Monday, September 17, 2018

TTC #2 Update - Uncertain of Our Path

Firstly I want to apologize for not making an update about this sooner. I have been feeling so conflicted about TTC #2, that I'm not even truly sure how to put my thoughts to words. We have always wanted 3+ kids. And we still do. But after my son was born, I feel differently about fertility treatments. I can’t fully explain, because I haven’t even been able to truly sort through my feelings just yet. But I’ll try to give an update and explain the best that I can.

We started officially trying for #2 when my son was a year old. I wanted to be sure to make it to one year breastfeeding before trying, in case pregnancy impacted my milk supply. We are still happily nursing at 19 months old now, although not as often. I was and am unwilling to stop breastfeeding because I know I will regret stopping if I were to wean and not get pregnant. I may only be blessed with one child, so I don’t want to rush through these moments. Ideally, I'd like to wean when my son is ready and he begins the process on his own. There are still so many benefits to toddlers receiving breastmilk, which is why the WHO recommends breastfeeding until at least two years old. 

Strangely, I got a positive pregnancy test the first month we tried. Although it was a chemical pregnancy. I wasn’t surprised at all, because that was chemical pregnancy #4 for me. A few months later, I got another positive test, but another chemical pregnancy. So 5 total chemical pregnancies. We have never been able to explain why I have had these chemicals. Until we get some sort of diagnosis or explanation as to why these losses keep happening, I’m very hesitant to do any sort of expensive fertility treatment. There is some testing I’m hoping to pursue at some point, but I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. I'm still exploring what testing we would like to have before we make any decision to start fertility treatments.

In our successful IVF cycle, we only had one blastocyst on day 5... which really scared me. We originally were planning a single embryo transfer and really wanted to reduce the chance of multiples. We would only transfer two if things didn’t look good and we needed to try to up our chances. All the other embryos were behind and really didn’t look great. We transferred one of those along with our only blastocyst. All the other embryos arrested and none were frozen. I feel like we were incredibly lucky to get a successful pregnancy when we only had one blastocyst. I’m *very* nervous that if we do IVF again, we will not be lucky again.

We are also cash pay patients with no insurance coverage for fertility. When trying for our son, I would have spent anything - I wasn't concerned with the cost. But now that we have a child, I also struggle with the choice of spending so much on fertility treatments. If our cycle were to not be successful, I know I would feel guilty for having used that money, when it could pay for an entire year of college for my son. Realistically, I feel like I shouldn't look at it that way. But I can't help it.

My heart aches to give our son a sibling. It’s a feeling I never knew I could feel so strongly. But I’m still not sure of our path right now. I’m hoping time will give us clarity. As for now, I am continuing to chart and we are trying naturally. I always have hope we may get a miracle!

I have also been trying to learn to be "okay" with having no control over my fertility. I still struggle with how most other couples I know are able to easily plan their families and simply don't have these worries. But I am trying hard to embrace the uncertainty. It isn't easy and I fail all the time, but I am trying, and that is at least a start.

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